I made this card for a long time penpal I have just to let her know I am on hiatus for writing letters, that I need this time to go within. I know she will understand and so I feel I can say this to her.
I grew up with an alcoholic dad. And making matters worse I had been a daddy's girl until my brother came along and the whole dynamic shifted. As my dad turned to alcohol more and more I just blamed everything on that. Of course it didn't help but there was a lot more going on underneath it all.
Now that he is gone I have allowed myself to have fonder feelings for him. I have come to realize I was a daddy's girl and I feel royally screwed out of a relationship with the man who should have taught me how men are to treat women. Too late now and at almost 54 I am still trying to figure it out.
Awhile back I came across a book called "Daily Affirmations for Adult Children of Alcoholics". It is almost 40 years old. I found it while sorting one of my tubs of stuff and brought it upstairs thinking I can tear it apart and use it in my journaling. But instead I started reading it. Today I came across this one and it hit straight home with me. It says...
"I am learning to avoid hurt by seeing people and situations for what they are-not for what I wish them to be."
Wow. This is me in a nutshell. I get frustrated when I devote my being to people only to not have it returned. I get put out when I can't get one on one time with someone but now I know they just are either more comfortable in a group or are the type a group gathers around. The friend I am sending this to is one of those. I always would get so upset because I never could have her attention 100%. I crave 1:1 but apparently she doesn't and I think I probably even turned her off. I don't know if I come across needy or not. One co-worker told me once that she is envious as to how calm and collected I am. I'm like who, me??? Holy cow, if she saw what was going on inside she'd not think that at all.
We all view things through our own private lenses. And sometimes that view is wrong.
You know it just sucks to be daughters of alcoholic dad's. Mine passed in 2010 while I think he loved me I know my younger half brothers always came first. Me and my brother was like throw away kids. Anyways I agree with that sentence about avoiding hurt...I have gotten to be a master at it..
ReplyDelete"I am learning to avoid hurt by seeing people and situations for what they are-not for what I wish them to be."
ReplyDeleteThis is such a hard lesson. I plan scenarios with people in my sub-conscience then get hurt and upset when they don't play out as I envisioned. Life is such a learning experience....hugs...